Stepping Up: An Inheritance

Cornell Black Thomas grew up without his biological father, but he never grew up without a dad.

In this first installment of a two-part Father Figures conversation, Cornell reflects on the man who stepped into his life, the lessons he inherited about work, sacrifice, and responsibility, and how those lessons carried him through some of the most difficult seasons of his life—including incarceration.

Years later, Cornell finds himself standing where his father once stood: helping raise children who don't share his blood but share his heart. This episode is about legacy, chosen family, and the inheritance of a father who showed up.

Because sometimes fatherhood isn't passed down through bloodlines. Sometimes it's passed down through example.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hello. Hello.

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to Father Figures. This is one of the truest examples of figuring it out in real time. This episode has volume issues, background noises, all is the background to Cornell's story. I thought about deleting it, re-recording it, but then I thought about what it would say to me internally as a father. How it could be inconsistent with what I want fathers to get out of it. Every attempt will not be perfect. But was it intentional? Sometimes the standard of quality is in what is said as well as the presentation. Others, the gift of transparency, vulnerability, and realness has to be the standard. Being a father is about being real, imperfections and all. And father figures at times it's going to reflect that. If I try and hide that, it defeats the purpose of figuring it out in real time. This is a two-part episode with a father that has three very distinct phases in his fatherhood journey. And I can't wait for dads to hear it. This is a conversation with Cornell Black Thomas, a true father figure. Stick around. Where are you from? And tell me a little bit about your childhood as it relates to your father.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Well, I'm from Libya City, Miami, Florida. It's a neighborhood called Lincoln Fields. Right up the street from the other popular neighborhood that everybody knows called the Porcupine Bees. As it relates to my fatherhood, my father figure, I grew up in a house of six. My mom had eight kids. Two of the oldest stay with my grandma who lived down south. But the six that stayed with my mom, I came in as number, what that was three. The middle child, as you would call it. And I didn't know my dad. You feel me? But I had a dad. I had a dad that stepped in and he became a father figure to all of us. Not just, you know, his kids, which was my baby two sisters. My last two sisters were his kids, but he he fathered all of us. There was no way we could have called him anything but that, because he picked up that role and he he lit a flame to that mud. He lit a flame so hard that we had to respect everything that he came with and everything that he stood for. I mean, he rewarded us when we was good and he beat us when we was bad. It wasn't no, oh, you can't beat my kids. None of that. Like, forget stepfather, he was the father. So what I learned from him was hard work, something that I go by now and to this day, and that's what fatherhood looks like to me. A man that goes out and takes care of his family, a man that, you know, get it by any means to make sure that his family doesn't have to go without.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Sure. So what was his name? Because, you know, for somebody to be that influential in your name, in your life, I just want to give honor to his name, to hear his name spoken, whether he's with us or not. What's his name?

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Oh, his name is Bernard McRoy, and he's not with us. He passed away a few years ago.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

And so that being your father figure and not knowing your father, how did because you are a father and we'll talk about that a little bit later, but how did losing someone that chose you affect your how did it affect you? And then how did it affect your fatherhood?

SPEAKER_01 4:44

It affected me because he was the closest thing, if the only thing I had to a father, honestly speaking. I didn't mourn him, you know, when when he died in a sense, but I I get that pain and the agony he was in when he when he passed away. I just mourn alone thanked him. You know, thanked him for picking up that torch and thanked him for everything that he's done. You know, um I have this hammer. Um I could find it. So for anybody looking, this hammer is uh it has his ashes in it. And this was something that I remember him by because he was the best handyman that I knew. Like the man could fix anything, if you ask me. It was nothing that he couldn't fix. So he impacted me that much that this is how I celebrate, you know. I had a chain that goes with it, but I popped it. I gotta get it fixed. But this is him. And I keep him with me every chance I get to let me know as hard as work gets, as hard as life get, I gotta hammer in the way and keep fighting. So that's what it meant to me.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

Yeah. That's special. So one of the questions that I had here, but I feel like through what you just expressed to me was answered. The question was, what did you miss from not having your father present? But it sounds like you were gifted something by him not being present. Because, you know, we don't know what your life would have been had he been present, but we do know that but Mr. Bernard was so impactful in your life that he made you feel so loved that you still carry him with you to this day, literally.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yes, sir.

SPEAKER_00 6:24

Because when our biological fathers aren't there, it's always like a risk of like, is this child boy or girl going to be loved? And so for you to not have to question that, when did at what age did you meet Mr. Bernard?

SPEAKER_01 6:40

Oh. I met him when I was I would say six or seven years old. And I remember him playing with us, you feel me, showing us around, taking us drinking treating. We went to the youth fair, we went to the parade every year. Like, even when things got hard, when I when I realized things was hard, he never showed us things was hard. He was everything to me and more. He ended up getting hurt on the job, and he ended up being paralyzed from the waist down. And even then, he changed. He changed because, you know, something like that, I mean, one day you walk in, the next day you're not, it should change anybody. And for me, when he changed, I didn't even hold that against him. You understand what I'm saying? Because I couldn't possibly have good.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

So when you say change, what do you mean? Like his mood and his temperament changed?

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Yes, his mood and his temperament changed. We were still love, but he resulted to drugs, something that I never knew him to do until that injury. You know, he I guess he had to find a way to cope with the pain, with the with the hurt of not being able to walk again and not being able to, you know, work again. Because work was how he, you know, provided. But even when he, his retirement, his uh settlements, however he got money, he made sure we had food on the table. Whether he had to sell his medicine, whether he had to go out there and give blood, whatever he felt like he had to do. I don't know per se, but I know we never skipped the beat. We never skipped the beat, we never skipped the mill. My mom, she worked as well. Don't get me wrong, I ain't taking nothing away from Yvette Thomas. She did what she knew how to do. But in the midst of him being paralyzed and still providing, man, he could have walked away right then. You understand what I'm saying? Like, nah, I don't want to do this no more. And he never did. You know, he may have sometimes shut down mentally, you know, emotionally, but I never could say that I didn't feel love, even in the darkest times. You feel me? I didn't know how to help him. You feel me? So that's where I believe like the drugs came in. And, you know, when you on that, that shit overtakes you, and then it could tear any family down if you let it. And that's what it did. It tore us down to where he'll leave the house some days and we not know where he's at. You understand what I'm saying? Like we have to go look for him and we'll find, we'll see him in the park on the streets. And I'm like, what you doing? You got a house here. But every every month he he he produced money. Every month he he made sure the lights were on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

And that's two things. That's powerful and it's sad because you know, in this country, so much of our identity as men is tied to what we do. And so, you know, hearing about Mr. Bernard and him losing his ability to work, you know, it sounds like he lost part of his identity. And that's so important to men. And so when he lost that identity, he kind of distanced himself from people because he's like, Well, what am I known for? And like, what is that thing that this is who makes me me? And so I was gonna ask you, like, did you find yourself? Well, first question is around what age did he become paralyzed? Because it sounds like it happened relatively young in your life.

SPEAKER_01 10:23

I believe I was 12 from 10 to 12 years old when it happened.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

So you meet him at six or seven, and then you know, he's everything that you could want from a dad. He's taking you to the fair, he's playing outside with y'all, doing all the things that a dad can do, disciplining, but also being loving. And five years into that, he loses his ability to walk, and so the dad that you gained, you didn't get to have that version of him for long.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

True though.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

So, how did so how did that make you feel? Because it sounds like obviously you had some level of compassion, even if you didn't know fully what was going on because of your age. Even now, looking back being a father, how does looking at that in the rear view, how does that make you feel to know that he kept giving even when in some days he didn't know where it was coming from? And I don't just mean monetarily, I mean emotionally.

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Right. It made me feel like I had to carry the torch for him, in a sense. Like you said, we'll get into it later, but me being a father and and feeling what he taught in me into my kids, that that's me carrying a piece of me, a piece of him with me in this family each and every day. That's how that's that's how I feel about it. Like I I honor it because mentally I don't know what he was going through. Physically, I could kind of see, but mentally, emotionally, I don't know what he was going through. But every day, he showed love the best way he could, even though it didn't go, it wasn't as much as I was getting when I was younger, he still showed it. He still, you know, hey, every night I love y'all. You understand what I'm saying? Every time he came around when he wasn't in the house and he came back, you know, it was still love, it was still uh warm embracement. So I just made sure that when I'm when I'm out here in the world and I'm thinking about, man, I'm tired, or I'm thinking about man, my feet hurt, or man, I'm I'm beat up this week. I think about him. When I be like mentally, I be like, man, I'm about to say forgiveness. I think about him. And that of me thinking about him keeps me going forward. It keeps me pushing, it keeps me not giving up because he didn't give up. You understand what I'm saying? Even though I think he probably should have. He should have gave up, because like how, like you say, you you you lose a part of yourself when you go from walking and working and providing to not working, which is like you say, only a man's identity. They always say a man that don't work shouldn't eat. And for him to be working and go not to working and still providing, man, I can't complain. A lot of people ask me, man, how you think that? Hey, how you doing today? And I always say I can't complain because I truly can't. I can't complain because that man, in front of us, he didn't complain. I'm not saying he didn't complain to God, I'm not saying he didn't complain by himself, I'm not saying he didn't cry by himself. But in front of us, he never cried. In front of us, never complained. He got up and he did what he had to do to make sure the lights were still on.

SPEAKER_00 13:51

So as I'm fathering and I'm, you know, learning, one of the things that is really big for me is not complaining, but not trying to always be Superman. And I think, you know, if you know your father and you know, my father and that generation of fathers knew, and I heard this recently, Clark Kent is who he was. Well, Superman is who he was. Clark Kent is the alter ego. And I think a lot of us, we're actually Clark Kent, and we're trying to, you know, act like Superman is who we are. And there's nothing wrong with Clark Kent, but it's like this, you know, superhero is a demigod. Like he is built to take a certain weight. And you and I and our fathers, you know, they are flesh and blood men who have real challenges, real pain, real emotion. And so one of the things that I'm doing in my life, and which is part of the reason why this space was created, is to not pretend like I'm always okay. You know, also, you know, not complaining about things that I can have influence over, but also not pretending that everything's okay. Because one, it doesn't allow people to be there for me. Like when I like I even did it as recently as when I had cancer. I didn't tell a lot of people until I was on the back end. And what I missed, and what I think men miss is the opportunity to let people love them out loud because we are also people, men, who will complain that we don't feel loved and we feel like you know, people just want our money and they just want our bodies, but it's like they can't give us more if they don't know that we need more. And so, you know, I applaud the mentality to, you know, kind of shield your kids, which it sounds like that's what your your father did, and my father's done it, I'm sure. And I'm sure we'll do it for our kids and if we haven't already. But I just wonder how much we actually help them if we shield them from necessary things like emotion and struggle and letting your loved ones be there for you, you know? Right, right, right. So I want to transition a little bit. So we met Mr. Bernard, you know, this is your father until a few years ago when he transitioned. But there's a part of your life, and I'm wondering if there's some correlation here, where you ended up getting in some trouble, like legal trouble. So what came before that? Like what happened for you to get in trouble and what was the consequence?

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Yeah, definitely. For me to get in trouble, it was being at the wrong place at the wrong time, truthfully hanging around the wrong people when I knew that those people were the wrong people. And what came of it was an eye-opener of realization saying that I didn't belong here. When I say here, I mean in the system. It was so funny because when I first went to jail and I went quite a few times.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

How many times did you go?

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Four. I think it was four times. Have I met her four times?

SPEAKER_00 17:08

And what was the longest you were in there?

SPEAKER_01 17:10

The longest I did was 11 months, almost uh almost a year. I never, by the grace of God, never did a year in jail. But um when I when I when I first went in, I I knew majority of the people in there, sad to say. But everybody had the same question. What you doing there? You how you know, like how you get out of all people, like come on, man, like bro, talk to me, what's going on? And it was just so un it was just so unreal for people to see me in there because it was like I always held myself to a different standard. Like, yeah, I'm I'm I'm a street, I'm a street dude, hood dude, whatever you want to call it, I'm bound, I'm bound to the streets for real, for real. But I wasn't of it. You understand what I'm saying? Like I had a little sense, I knew what was wrong and I knew what was right. But uh that was a time in my life that I truly believe I had to go through. I had to go through it because I learned fast forward that me going through that would have would have helped and have helped other young men coming up in the same projects and the same streets that I came up in. While I was in there, you would say I found God in a sense, like I I got re-reconnected with him in a sense. And though I went back a few more times, it wasn't on no, let me get out here and you know, rob a person type shit, excuse my language, but let me get out here and um, you feel me, you get my shit together, you know what I'm saying? Let me let me let me tighten up. So that's what it was for me because in jail, for most people, especially coming in the hood, like coming out of the hood, we we look at that shit like a badge of honor. You feel me? Like, oh man, don't don't fuck with him. He you know, he done been in, like this and this and that. So when people hear you, you know, been in jail, you already are labeled, like, oh man, we ain't gonna fuck with him. He's feeling, yeah, he he of those, he he's of those calibers. We ain't gonna mess with him. When when when when you really talk to somebody from jail or prison for real, like just because they did something, that that shouldn't define who they are. You understand what I'm saying? And I'm grateful that I was able to come out as many times as I did and not let it define me. It messed me up because it it hindered me in the world of getting a job right away, but it also broke me down. Like that was one of the that was one of the periods of my life where God said, Hey, I gotta break you down real quick because I see what you're doing, I see who you're running with. You normally don't run with people like that. Like I know people like that. I I be around people like that, but for me to run with people like that, for me to be out in the world and hanging with them, people like that, nah, that that normally is not me. So when I found myself doing that, when God found me doing that, he said, Man, I got I gotta tear you down real quick. And me going to jail was him tearing me down, me going to jail with him stripping me down and saying, Hey, I gotta get you back to, you know, what you what you was on, what you were doing. Find you, finally, finding you a new length. And that's what that's what go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 20:33

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but I I wanted to know. So when you went those four times, Mr. Bernard is already uh paralyzed at this point. Your dad is already experiencing a different life than the one he had come to know. What, if any, were the conversations like from him to you?

SPEAKER_01 20:54

Honestly speaking, he has none. He has none for me. And and I and I don't hold him, I don't hold him for him. I ain't mad at him. I had no regrets in that in that field because I know he couldn't give me that because he was he wasn't all the way mentally dead normal. You understand what I'm saying? Like he kind of checked out when he, you know, realized he wasn't gonna walk again. Because at first, when he got paralyzed, he were we were all under the assumption that he was gonna walk again. So his spirit was up, he was still good. And I would say probably a few years into his paralyzation, that's when he realized that, you know, went to the doctors and they said, Yeah, you'll never walk again. And that's when the drawers and the stuff came, and that's when he kind of changed. So when I was in and them times that I got out, when I tell you he had nothing for me, he had nothing for me. And I was okay with that. His looks of disappointment, I would say said enough. Like he didn't really have to say nothing to me. He was just like Shaking his head, looking at me like, Come on, man, you know better. Come on. You know what I mean? It was funny because even being in jail, people look at jail and they say, it's to rehabilitate you. You feel me? And I'm gonna be honest, man.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

That's what they say, but I've never seen much rehabilitation in jail. It's not. No, I obviously there are opportunities, you know, to get education and things like that, but just the structure as a whole, it's not built to push you to those things. Those individuals who rehabilitate themselves, there is a certain will, and I'm assuming, you know, they they find their community in there, like, you know, some like-minded people, or they may isolate. But the institution of jail has never seemed to be interested in making people better than them when they went in.

SPEAKER_01 22:51

Right. I mean, I think for me, and for most people, you know, like jail teaches you survival. That's one thing I can appreciate about jail. Like, you you can go, you can be out here in the world and not know how to boil water without electricity. You can go out here in the world and not know how to um uh say start a fire, honestly speaking. But in jail, when you ain't got many options and you ain't got no hot water, you can put two batteries together, make a little spark, and that spark can start a little electricity to where it heats your water. And I would have known that if I would have never been in jail.

SPEAKER_00 23:37

So, in a way, jail is the wilderness. There you go.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

It is exactly the wilderness.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

Um, so that was one of the questions, you know. Like, what did jail teach you? So it taught you survival, sound like it taught you accountability. What changed from before you went in jail to when you came out that last time? Because, like you said, you were there like four times, but you know, just some total, what changed? Because at this point, because we're getting ready to move into father and into your fatherhood, and so I want to know what changed.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

So, what changed for me was that there was this last time I went in, it was one of these correction officers. And the congressional officer was younger than me. And the dude told me to um he told me to get up. And I'm like, So I'm like, get up, which means get up. Like, I'm like, I'm really in my bed. I'm on my bug, I'm gonna sleep. He he went to shake at me like, man, you gotta get up. And I'm like, get up for what? He was like, man, that's head count. And I'm like, man, you can count me in the bed, but I ain't gotta stand up. So he was like, man, you're gonna stand up and we're gonna have a problem. So I looked at this young man, and I'm like, listen, don't let this uniform think you're tougher than what you think he was outside of this, my dude. It won't be what you think it is. You understand what I'm saying? Um, you know, he he called the squad and it was like seven of them. So by that time, the cell we was in, you know, kind of got rowdy. It was like, oh man, it's about to go down. They like, black man, listen, don't even give these, you know, dudes the time of day. Hey, just get up, man. It's just head count. It's just gonna take five minutes. You're gonna get back in your bunk and you're gonna be good. So I'm like, you know what? You right. Y'all right, y'all right. So I got up and I said, okay, head count. So we did the head count, and I would say probably four months later, I got out. And when I got out, I ended up seeing the guy, the young correction officer. He didn't know me from a can in McDonald's line. So I said, excuse me, sir. He was like, Do I know you? I said, Yeah, you do. I don't know you, sir. You got the wrong guy. I said, ain't you officer such and such? So he was like, Wait, how do you know my name? Wait, you just say officer, would you? I say, yeah. You don't remember me? And mate, Thomas. He was like, Thomas. Oh man, oh um I just said, listen, man, I just wanted you to know, you feel me? You can be touched. The world is small. Look at it. You was doing all that talking, talking crazy, because we was, you know, behind bars. We out now. And at the end of the day, if I want to touch you, one day I can touch. But what I did was give him grace because he was doing his job. But it was then when I was locked up in that happening that I realized I can't have nobody younger than me telling me when I can eat, telling me when I can sleep, telling me when I can take a shower, telling me when I can use a facilities, uh restroom. So that's that was the scroll that Brooklyn Kelly got me. Because every other time I went there, I was dealing with old conversion officers, like older people. Like people that could be my auntie or or my uncle or somebody. So I ain't I ain't taking no sense of that. But to have a young guy tell me, like, hey man, you gotta get up. Hey man, you gotta eat. Or if you ain't gonna eat, you gotta throw your food away. I'm thinking that this man, like, yeah, I gotta do something different with my life. No, I can't, this can't be it. So that's what changed for me. That's what did it for me in that last time.

SPEAKER_00 27:04

So, fast forward, because you know my wife, you and my wife grew up, you are working security at the African Heritage Cultural Arts Center. So, how long do you get how long after getting out before you get this job?

SPEAKER_01 27:18

So I got out in 2009. And I got the well, I was working at the center before. That was back in 2000 and 2006. I was working at the center the center coach, after the other coach. I was a transportation driver at the time, working for the county, and then they had layoffs, so then they gave me off. And then that's when from 21, I would say to 22. I was from I was in jail from 21. Like I was in and out of jail from 21 to 22. When I started doing security, it was in 2010. By the time I got to the center again, it was 2016. By the time I got back to the center, by that time, I was doing I hadn't done security for four or five years prior to being at the center.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

So the reason I bring up uh the center, uh, you probably know where I'm going, is the center is where you meet your current wife, Randy. And I was actually just thinking the other day before uh we set up this interview, it's like, man, they've been married for almost a year, and I got to perform the ceremony. And so I asked about how long before you got back to the center. So you were in and out of the center, and about 2016 is when you get there, and you and Randy end up getting married in 2025. It was 2024. But Randy has children when you meet her, and so how many children? She had uh three children when I met her. And so you and her get together, and now you're in the position to be what Mr. Bernard was to you. But before you, you know, step into that role as a stepfather, what is it that you have to unlearn before becoming their father? Because, you know, our parents aren't perfect. You know, some things can be passed down from generation to generation, whether it's love, whether it's discipline, whether it's knowledge, you know, some things can be passed down, and then certain things they shape us in ways that we don't want to pass that down. So, what did you have to unlearn before becoming a father to Randy's daughters, which you call your children now? Right.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

Honestly speaking, I had the unlearning was not listening. Never. I never been a I never had, I've never been the type to listen. I never really had patience. I have patience for certain things, but I crying and whining and all that, I never really had patience for. I've always been the guy that if you call me, I'm coming. If it's a problem, I can fix it. And I'd rather you just tell me the problem. If you got a problem, just tell me. But you can't cry to me. Don't cry to me because then now I'm gonna get frustrated. So I had to unlearn that and become more attentive to listening to what it is that these children may need from me. Because I came in thinking I was perfect. You understand what I'm saying? The center, even way back when, back in 2006, when I first got the job, they taught me, dealing with the kids there, they taught me how to be a father figure. I didn't ask for it. It was just, you know, they gravitated towards me. So some kids used to call me daddy, some kids called me big brother, some kids called me uncle. I was something to somebody kids out there, to where they parents. I'm talking about men. Hey, brother, uh, whatever you're doing with my son, I appreciate you. Thank you. Because, man, he he comes home, he he getting his uh homework done. He's telling me, like, if I don't do my homework, uh, Mr. Black is gonna come out to the house or gonna come out to the school, and he's gonna make me do push-ups. A lot of people used to think I used to be in the military, funny enough, but I've never been in the military. I was just militant in a sense of discipline. Discipline has always been a major focal point in my life. Discipline can mean so many things. A lot of people look at discipline and say, oh man, discipline is bad. You can be disciplined in so many areas. Being calm, you can be disciplined and following through on your on your assignments. You can be disciplined in your peace, you can be disciplined in your assignment, you can be disciplined in your cleaning. Like you can be disciplined in so many things, but people always look at disciplines like, oh man, he's about to tear me up. So I took what I, I guess what I learned in the world and in the streets, and I said, let me put that towards to these kids. And some kids gravitated towards it. Some kids was like, oh man, like they almost looked forward to seeing me, but not disappointing me because they didn't want to do the push-ups, they didn't want to do the squats, they didn't want to do the uh sitting down on the wall. Man, they was, I'm talking about moms and dads like Mr. Black, I need you to come and talk to my son because, or my daughter because they acting up, and I I just I'm too tired. And I'm talking about I used to make at least four to five house calls a week, just you know, showing up. Sometimes I I had to talk, sometimes all I had to do was just show up. So what I learned from, you know, Randy and my my daughters now are I just had to I had to listen because I I forgot that focal point back then. Back then, I used to be a great listener. As I got older, I was like, nah, I ain't got time to hear nobody's complaints. And I ain't, you know, if you got a problem, come tell me and we're gonna handle it. But you can't sit up and cry to me.

SPEAKER_00 33:12

With Mr. Bernard, like your father, prior to his accident, do you felt like he made space to listen to you? Even if he had a similar rule about crying, did he listen to you when you had problems?

SPEAKER_01 33:23

Yeah, he did. He listened to me better than my mom did.

SPEAKER_00 33:27

So I think that's relevant because it sounds like you know, maybe when you lost your listening ear, you forgot how to listen. Facts. You meet Randy, you meet her daughter. So, what is it like stepping into fatherhood? Like, what was that experience like? Was it was it an easy transition? What was the trust like? How do you navigate moving into that space? Because I'm sure there was ebbs and flows.

SPEAKER_01 34:00

Listen, it was not an easy transition at all. I came in kind of hot. I came in very militant. I came in militant, meaning like when I was dealing with the kids through our the coaching or the kids through other projects, you know, I was more, I can relate to them and they can relate to me. So my militant, they responded to very well. Now, I'm dealing with girls who is not of that, you know, who don't even know what what structure really looked like. So when I came in, I came in treating them the same way that I've treated all my kids that have gravitated to me, that I even gravitated towards to play the role as a father or uncle. And they like, I did the same thing with the girls. And because of that, you're right, it was some friction because yeah, I ain't thinking, I'm doing what I do. This is what I do. And they're like, wait, uh uh, what is this? We don't know what this is. This don't feel right. This don't feel familiar, this feels weird. So it was more like me having to take a step back and kind of see them, and then have them kind of see me. And what I mean by that is I had to see what they can bring to me, which was being at peace, and what I can bring to them, which was structure. They are of some people may call the free spirit. You know, they they go off energy. If the energy in the house is right, then everything seems right. And I'm more like if the structure of the house is right, then the energy will follow and everything will seem right. So as time went on, we kind of encountered each other, understanding that both of what we were saying were right. We just had to find a way to make it work. And yes. And um, we we got to do just that, you know, so much so that periodically, you know, um, not just on Father's Day, but periodically, you know, one of the kids would probably come in here and just say, Dad, I just want to thank you. And I'd be like, Who work? You know, I ain't do nothing. Oh, thank you for, you know, just being who you are and teaching us, you know, how to, you know, do for ourselves, you know, because when I met them, the youngest child and Gia was seven, six one oh seven, or seven one oh eight. And then the oldest child, Malea, was I think 11 going on 12, and the middle child Nala was I think eight going on nine or nine going on ten. It was one of those. And yeah, they were, you know, just coming at different times, really just coming to tell me, man, like, thank you, thank you. Because now they're cleaning. When I met them, Randy was cleaning. I mean, the oldest girl could have been doing something, but Randy was cleaning, Randy was cooking, Randy was washing dishes, and I'm like, wait, what's like this seemed weird? I was seven years old, I was washing dishes. You feel me? So I'm like, they can do something. And once you know, I had that conversation with Randy, and she started to see, like, yeah. Now, I mean, at what, eight to nine, and Gia was making her own food. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking cooking full course meals, you understand what I'm saying, and cleaning up behind myself so much so that you go in there room now, you'll be like, oh man, this is clean. But that's just me being who I am, being mental, making sure, hey, y'all gotta keep a clean house. I, for one, anything that we have can be taken away. And I, for one, didn't always have things. I kind of, you know, my mom, my dad did the best that they could with six kids being in the house, but we didn't always have the best of things, and we didn't always have everything. And what I mean by that is that even now as a grown man, I do my best to make sure that I have what I want and what I need. And even though I work hard and I could probably something write in, I could probably go buy another one. I cherish everything I get. I cherish everything I use. It can be a cup, it can be uh a piece of paper, it can be a bottle of alcohol. If it's mine, I'm gonna cherish it until it's gone, until I can't use it no more. When I can't use it no more, then that's that's done. But the symbol words, the plates. If we have broken plates in our household growing up, my mama would have two-hour bus up. Our daddy would have two-hour bus up. You feel me? But here, they break plates, they break glasses, they break a lot of things, and then just like, oh, you know, we it's okay, we'll get another one. I'm looking at them like, wait, what? Nah, like you gotta teach your kids how to cherish certain things because at the end of the day, what if you don't have the money to buy another one? You understand what I'm saying? You get a car and you say, man, I ran out of gas or I ran out of oil. Do I throw the whole car away? No, I figure out how to get an oil change. I figure out how to change the oil myself if I have to.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

I see a huge benefit in the fact that you are able to give your children a life that you couldn't even conceive of. And one of the things that I have struggled with as a father is not being jealous. And if I am calling myself out when my children, or my child in this case, has the ability to have something that I didn't have. Because it can be really easy. Good night, bye-bye. See you tomorrow. One of the things that can be really easy is to kind of have like this internalized jealousy that your kids can have a broken plate and go get another one tomorrow. Or, you know, they have this mentality. And I also feel like that's kind of what the point is to a degree. Like, we don't want them to be spoiled, we don't want them to be ungrateful, but we do want them to have a chance at things that we didn't have. And so, you know, that's one of the things that I'm constantly thinking about not rushing him when he's having fun because I might have felt rushed when I was a kid, or having the ability to ask for something different to eat when my mom cooked dinner, that's all there was. And so how do you navigate that space? Because, you know, you said you generally are militant, but it sounds like your daughters have softened you in good ways. And so, how do you now approach that without, you know, being the old guy, like, get off my lawn?

SPEAKER_01 40:58

Well, it's it's funny because you're right. I I I have to have that type of envy or jealousy, as you would call it, when it comes down to certain things pertaining to our my children. You know, the fact that they, you know, could, you know, like you say, break a plate, break a cup, and know that it's another with being bought. Yeah, I'd be like, man, I tell them periodically, like, the fact that y'all can be sick or just get a sore throat. They get a sore throat and like uh mommy said I can stay home. And I'd be like, wait, what? Man, I I could have had a a dash in my head, and guess what? My mama was saying, You going to school. You feel me? So I tell my kids quite often, like, yeah, I envy y'all workers, man. Yeah, y'all got it good. I have gotten soft in in a way, but funny enough, I instill me in the sense of being military because what I do now is instead of going straight into it, if I'm if I'm getting angry if they didn't do certain things, I will sit down now and I will have a conversation with them. Like, listen, we're gonna have this family meeting. We like to call it campfire, and we're gonna talk, we're gonna, you know, get some things out. And once we are done with this campfire, you get every three strikes. Meaning, if I have to say something to you periodically throughout the week three times, now I'm gonna take something away from you. You feel me?

SPEAKER_00 42:29

And the thing that you talked about in the campfire.

SPEAKER_01 42:33

Yes. Right. So with that being said, it it teaches them to try to stay on top of them. Not me, but them stay on top of themselves because they don't want me to find out, or they don't want me to see it. Because if I have to see it, then I have to say something about it. And if I have to say something about it, then they know like, oh man, he done already talked to us once. He done already talked to us twice. We got one more chance before he takes something away. And when I take it away, I don't take it away for a day. I don't take it away for two days. I take it away for a week or better. So if I if I take it away this, if I take it away for a week, say we have to have this conversation again, now it's gonna be a month. If we gotta have the conversation again, now it's gonna be a month in a week.

SPEAKER_00 43:23

So periodically, I was about to say, I think they're lucky that you weren't actually in the military. Because if you were actually in the military, man, but I think I appreciate the structure and the ability to accept the softness that comes with that. Because I think, you know, even with me and my son, like I I wasn't raised the same as you, but there were some similarities. And I and I noticed that I am softer with my son than my parents were with me, but I still very much try and be structured in that way. And, you know, you've worked basically. Around education and education. The center is a place for education. I was a school teacher for four years at Miami Carroll City, and then I've been subbing up here. And black men, we kind of get this default role of disciplinarian.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:15

Like that's just kind of what people expect of us. And so I love it though. You love it? I have a challenge with it because if that is what the expectation of me is, then when I then when I try and be something different, like when I try and be, you know, soft or listening to the kids, sometimes that gets pushed, pushed to the side. Not by my wife, but like I've experienced it in education. It's like, no, I can help them navigate feelings too. Maybe not the ways that you are used to, maybe not even ways that you would have thought of, but I'm able to navigate feelings as well. Like I have feelings and I'm in touch with them and I can help them process emotions too. Um, so so question about you know you being a stepfather and having been raised by a stepfather, but you call him your father, so and your girls call you dad. So even though technically your stepfather, what does a stepfather give that people often overlook?

SPEAKER_01 45:17

So and I'm glad you said that because when I when I was reading the questions that you know sung over, I was gonna address it, right? And then I said to myself, I'll say, no, I'm gonna see if he says it. So then now I can make my point, which is funny as well. So for me, I I can't say most men, I would say me, but I would say this to all men. I say when it comes down to that word stepfather, you may step in as a father, but when you step in, you're no longer a stepfather to me. And I think this should be for all men. When you step in as that father, you are that father. So for me, yeah, when it comes down to my children, the reason why they call me dad. Thank you. This is my wife for me, but I'm sorry. Hold on.

SPEAKER_00 46:09

One of the things that I always say, because every interview gets interrupted in some way, but I don't call them interruptions for real. Like this is literally part of the point. We are fathers and we are all constantly figuring something out. And so sometimes I keep these little moments in here, maybe not the whole thing, but part of it, because this is just what happens, is life. You still live in life. You just happen to be answering some questions, telling some stories while life is happening.

SPEAKER_01 46:37

So, yeah. So for me, and I believe all fathers, once again, when that term stepfather doesn't resonate with me. My dad, like you said, he was my dad. He wasn't my stepfather. Even until this day, he's gone, he done transitioned, and yet that's my dad. I know no other. And when I step into any kid's life, I take on that dad role. If I'm with them, that's what I am. It ain't no, this is my stepfather. I my my kids in the beginning, they've addressed me to their friends as, oh, this is my stepfather, and I had to have a conversation with them. And I let them know, see, to me, a stepfather is somebody who's gonna do when they want, not because they have to do. They're gonna do it because, man, I'm probably trying to get some cool points with their mom, or I'm trying to be their best friend, so I want to be like the cool dad, whatever the case may be. But a father, hey, I'm here for the good, the bad, the ugly, just through sickness and through health. And that's what my kids have to, they have to realize, like, man, you're right. Like, they even they even came and said sorry, because when they sit, I'm their first call. You understand what I'm saying? When they need something, I'm their first call. When they done did great and they, you know, um they want to share that that prime moment with me, I'm their first call. So a stepfather, I am not. I am actually their father. You understand what I'm saying? I'm so much of a father to these girls that they changed their last name to my name. Yeah. And this was something that was brought upon me. They asked me, would it be okay? Could they do it?

SPEAKER_00 48:28

What was that experience like? Like, how did you feel?

SPEAKER_01 48:30

Listen, I'm not an emotional guy, honestly speaking. But when I tell you I was emotional, I was emotional. I'm not saying no tears drop, but when you, if you could have seen my face, you would have seen like a proud father moment right then, right there, because I felt awkward.

SPEAKER_00 48:52

So there was no previous conversation, y'all hadn't talked about it, they came to you and you weren't expecting it.

SPEAKER_01 48:57

No, was not expecting. We talked about it once, you know, it came up, but they came to me and was like, man, I I want to know, like, you know, how you know, how would you feel? And I really had to ask them, how would y'all feel? And like I remember it brought me back to when when I first met my wife and her um my daughters were in Geo, like I told you, she was six one on seven, if I'm not mistaken, whatever going on, it could be one of the two. We were outside and we were playing soccer. She would teach me how to play soccer. And she was sitting on um, she was sitting on my lap and she asked me, Can I call you daddy? And I looked at her like, uh, I don't know. I'm I'm cool with it, but you gotta run it by your mom's because I I hey I I don't want no no problem. So then she goes and asked her mom and say, Hey mom, will it be okay if I call him daddy? And my mom was like, Ask him if it's okay with him, then I think it's okay with me because he's here. He's available. You understand what I'm saying? From that point forth, that's what it's been. I mean, Nilo, which is the middle child, she didn't uh she she came into it later. She had, you know, had to get used to it. But I mean, the middle child right now is about to graduate from high school. She's 18, and dad is all they know. It ain't no mister, it ain't no stepdad, it's daddy, dad. That's it. So that that stepfather role for any man, and just for anybody that's listening, if you are a man and you are dealing with a woman that has kids, and you take on that role, if they can call you through rain, hell, or snow, and you answer and you are there for them, you are not a stepfather. You are not stepping in for anybody else. You are the father. Now, if you are stepping in and you're just keeping the seat warm, then that's fine and that's the role you want to take. But I don't believe in that stepfather role. My dad wasn't a stepfather, he was a dad to me, and that's what I've been to these girls, which is now my girls, and we take pride in that.

SPEAKER_00 51:03

This has been a great conversation, and what our audience doesn't know is we still have so much more to talk about. So we have to do a part two because there are boys in your life. You you're a father to more than just the girls. And so, part two, we're gonna talk, we're gonna dive into that. But there's a segment that I introduced last episode, and so I want to keep it going, and it's called Welcome to Fatherhood Moments. And so your welcome to fatherhood moments can be good, bad, funny, but there these are those moments where it stops feeling like a dream because you know, those first few days of being a dad, it's kind of surreal, you know, even if you know it's stepping in or it's from birth, those first few days are surreal. You know, you're exhausted if you're coming from a newborn stage, or you're just wondering how you're landing when you're meeting, you know, kids that already have opinions in their own mind. And so that step, that welcome to fatherhood moment is that first moment where it's like, oh, this is real. Right. And so what is a welcome to fatherhood moment for you with the girls?

SPEAKER_01 52:12

The welcome hood father moment to me was when um we we were we were we were chilling, we was in the house, we were chilling. The girls was like, hey dad, would you want to watch um Master Chef with us? And I'm like, Master Chef, I don't watch that stuff, you know what I'm saying? Like I never, before I met these girls, never watched my Master Chef. Anything I watch is it's violence and killing, and that's just me. They was like, Nah, we want to watch Master Chef with us. And I'm like, man, I'm not doing that. And then was like, come on, dad, like for real, please. Like, we we we you know, we want to have some family time. That's what they called it. And that's when it hit me, like, these girls really do love me. Now, I'm I'm one of the toughest people, Keith, that you'll ever meet. Hands down, I'm not taking nothing away from it. I know for a fact I get on their nerves. I know I do. I know I do because of who I am. I get it. But when I tell you, Keith, that they really do love me, when I tell you, Keith, that they really do want me around, it hits me when them moments come. When I'm in my room and I'm closed off from everybody. Like, I'm I'm back, I'm chilling, they in the living room, they're in their room, they're doing whatever. And it'd be like, oh, let's go get dad. And they would come in here, like, hey dad, we want to watch this and we want to watch that. But that's what that was one of the first moments when it happened. Because now we do it periodically. Now we'll probably find a movie or a show to watch together. And I'm talking about nothing to do with their mom. Like, this is completely me by myself with them. And I'm telling you, keep they they are in it, watching it. We are sitting down in the living room watching it as a family, and I have those moments that I look back at and I be like, oh man, that means this means something. You understand? Like after the movie, we we dissect it, we talked about it, we say what you like or what you didn't like, and then we hug it out, and then everybody goes their own way. Those moments, honestly speaking, I may not show them, no, no, I may not tell them often, but I know they said in my face. Those moments um melt my heart because it lets me know that they they enjoy me, you know what I'm saying? As much as I do get on the nervous, they they enjoy me and they love me and they want me around. And oh, real quick, another one. Like I said, we could talk for hours though. When I first met them, when they started getting comfortable with calling me um dad, when we were still in Miami, because right now I'm in uh St. Petersburg, and uh I used to have a moment where I used to put everyone to sleep. Like so the oldest child, Malaya would have her day. Let's say her day was Tuesday, let's say Nala's day was uh Wednesday, let's say Gia's day was Thursday. Now, it used to be moments where I would go in their room and whoever dead is, I'm in their bed and I'm telling them a story. But I'm telling everybody the story. But I'm just in the bed with whoever dead is, and they'll lay on my chest and go to sleep. Now, when they go to sleep, I get up, go, you know, I go in my room with my wife, and I and I and I you know, we're chilling, we're doing whatever. And but everybody, like if a day, say if I missed a day, they would come and say, hey dad, hey, I didn't get my day, I need my day. So right here on my chest, they called it the sunken fix. Everybody that ever laid on my chest went to sleep. So they called it the sunken fix. Randy, I love my lady, everybody, anybody that ever got on my chest and fell asleep, we could be watching the movie. If I'm like this with them and they on my chest, they fall asleep no matter what we're watching, no matter what it is. It's it's unforgettable. You just can't make this up. It's moments like that that, you know, granted they're bad now, they're growing now, but they they talk about those moments periodically because those moments, the bond that we have is, I will almost say truly unbreakable, you know. And it means that they, it feels that it means that they have a sense of purpose now, you know, down to, like I say, them changing their name to my name, they feel like a sense of one unit, like unity. You know, it was crazy when their mom named Thomas and my name is something, but their name is their original name. And they like, nah, man, this doesn't feel right. We we need to be a unit, we need to be one. And I I'm I'm I'm in a house with them. Um I'm showing them that I got them, and yet they said this will solidify us as one. This will solidify us as a unit. So they wanted to do that, and it's done. You know, it's done. And, you know, again, my oldest child, Naila, right now, is about to graduate, and she wanted to make sure that they got the right name on that high school diploma. Because she knows that that's a represent a representation of her, but also a representation of the man that came into her life and became that father that uh she never had. You feel me? And that's why I carry the name uh father and daddy and not step. You cannot put a step in front of my name.

SPEAKER_00 57:43

Something I want to highlight, because it's not it may not be a big deal to you, but it's a big deal to me to hear it. One, it speaks to the level of trust that Randy had for you. Two, it speaks to your character as a man. Because when people hear this story, because they may think about you know, a father, a a stepfather, you being able to lay with these girls that became your daughter and tell them stories and Randy knowing that they're safe, these girls knowing that they are safe with you, because you know, our viewers and you know, our listeners, they can't see you. But when I tell y'all uh that Black is one of the swollest people that I ever met, Black had me doing uh jailhouse workouts um the weekend of his wedding. And so he's not a small guy, he looks mean, but he has one of the biggest hearts. And so I just wanted to make sure that I highlight how you were able to be gentle and loving, and mom nor the daughters had to worry because sometimes when step parents come in, you let some weirdos in the house. And so for you to love those girls as they were your own, and mom not have to worry, and the daughters not have to worry, and not be messed up by that, I think that's something that needs to be highlighted, not because you did anything special, but because you did what should be expected of all fathers who step into that role. And they felt that with you. Um, and so there's so much more for us to talk about. I know um for people who know your story, it may feel incomplete, and that's because we are gonna have to do a part two. But I want you to say the four boys' names, and then I'll I'll I'll set us up for the next episode. But there's four boys that are associated with you. And can you say their names?

SPEAKER_01 59:39

Okay, so the four boys are Ryder Thomas, River Thomas, Liker, Thomas, and now Cornell Thomas Jr.

SPEAKER_00 59:57

Which is CJ. And so in our next episode with Black, we're going to talk about these four these four boys, but I wanted to keep it separate because this part of the story is a little bit more complicated. And now CJ. So if you want to know about Ryder, Riker, CJ, uh, River, and CJ, you have to tune in to part two of this episode. But bro, I thank you for being honest. I thank you for taking the time to talk about your experience. And I think, and I thank you for helping us see the ways that your past doesn't have to define you and how you can give things that you didn't necessarily experience. There's one other question that I want to ask you in parting, because we've had our Welcome to Fatherhood moment. The next thing or the the last segment is Fatherhood Spins. And basically, it is a song that you feel defines your fatherhood. So if you had to pick one song that is like the the theme music for your fatherhood, what would it be?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:09

Oh man, if I had to pick one song, matter of fact, it would it would be two and it would be crazy because uh I really never had a father's song, but NGO it was this one song, and I'm trying to remember the guy's name who sings it. Uh what's his name? The song is for This Is Why I Love You. Hold on, that's gonna say I got a and I and I started listening to the song because one day we were out and Randy was at work and we were just out, and G and J was so small that she couldn't be, she couldn't be in there, so I had to sit, I had to sit with her. Major, there you go. Yeah, yeah. So I had to sit, I had to sit with her, and we, you know, I had I had headphones in and she was listening to, we were listening to a song, and this song happened to pop up. And we were listening to the song, we were singing the song to each other, saying, This is why I love you. That became our song. I mean, for years, that became our song. Whenever she was down, she was mad, whenever she was upset. Even though I probably was the one that had to give a spanking or whatever, I would come back a moment later and I'll play that song. When I tell you she'll come to me crying, ugly me, or she'll probably crack a smile. It was because of that song.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:41

Again, I thank you, father figures, community. Thank you for being home with me honest for sharing just part one of your fatherhood stories. You guys have to come back for part two. It's been with Oliver, male black Thomas Public.